How to Deal With Passive Aggressive Comments
I recently had lunch with a sweet friend who is a mom of a baby and toddler and working as a full-time ministry leader. She shared a couple of the painful passive-aggressive comments she’s gotten recently regarding having her kids in childcare and being a working mom.
I have been there, and it can be incredibly frustrating. I got all the comments when I was stay at home mom (“So what do you do all day?”) and when I was a working mom (“Wow, it must be so hard on your family”).
And these barbs are not just limited to mommy wars, you can get unsolicited commentary about your spending habits, work performance, how you dress, what you eat, mask-wearing, and your faith and beliefs.
Maybe your decision to fast, or go deeper and get serious about your faith.
No matter how old you get, words can H U R T. Even when they’re from complete strangers in the checkout line at Walmart or commenting on the Internet!
The Bible accurately says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21)
The danger is usually not in the moment of conversation, but the post-event analysis. Those statements can lodge in our minds and we carry them around for days as we:
Question what the person actually meant and what they were insinuating
Question the motives and judge the character of the person making the comment
Replay the conversation, creating ten different endings of how we could have responded
Imagine future conversations, and what we will say if this happens again
Doubt our choices, character, identity, worth, and . . . the list goes on
The keys to this battle are staying anchored in the truth, rooted in love, believing the best of others, and being obedient to what God has called us to do.
Although passive aggressive comments almost always blindside us (passive aggressive meaning they are indirect, said in passing, or delivered in an underhand fashion rather than attempting to have a direct conversation or dialogue about an issue).
We have the responsibility to filter through and stand against the accusations, slander, and doubt the enemy tries to throw at us, “and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:2).
You can make a decision to radically live your life for God, but then step out into the world and realize you run the risk of some backlash. Unfortunately, sometimes hurtful unsolicited feedback is part of life!
I was thinking about this recently when I heard the story of Zacchaeus in church. A question popped up that had never occurred to me before: I wonder how people treated Zacchaeus when he he went to pay them back?
Zacchaeus the Tax Collector (Luke 19:1-9)
This story always catches my attention, because someone once gave me a prophetic word based on this scripture. They told me to stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and blending in with the crowd, and run ahead to climb to a higher place like Zacchaeus.
Getting to a higher place sounds nice for our ego, but the challenging part is to stop worrying about what other people think. It’s safer in the herd, there are advantages to blending in. When you don’t stand out, you’re in much less danger of getting criticized or picked off. (Or getting those pesky passive-aggressive side comments.)
So why did Zacchaeus run ahead?
Practically, he was short and he couldn’t see.
Socially, he was not popular, it probably felt better to have some distance from the crowd.
Spiritually, he was desperate for Jesus above all else, willing to do whatever it took to get to Him.
Jesus not only saw him, he called Zacchaeus out and went to dinner at his house. And what did the people do?
“All the people saw this and began to mutter, “He has gone to be the guest of a sinner” (Luke 19:7).
(Seriously, did they have to set in with the muttering and name calling? Come on people!)
At the dinner, Zacchaeus made a radical declaration - he was going to give half his possessions to the poor and pay back anyone he had cheated four times the amount (Luke 19:8).
This seems like a happy end to the story as Jesus declares salvation for Zacchaeus and his house, but I just wonder what happened when Zacchaeus went to walk out this life change and follow through on his promises…
Was everyone fully supportive, forgiving, and immediately accepting? Or did Zacchaeus have to endure a few verbal jabs, sarcastic comments, and more muttering and name calling?
The Bible doesn’t say what happened next, so we don’t know. I am not trying to project into scripture something that is not there.
I ponder what might have happened next because I think it’s helpful for us to remember that life and relationships are not always easy, and don’t always fit into neatly sorted packages. Sometimes friends and loved ones can say things that make us feel yucky, but they still love us.
It’s encouraging for us to consider that we can do the right things, with the best of intentions, and may still have to navigate the reality that some people will misunderstand, misinterpret, and mislabel our intentions
Yet we can walk forward with grace and love.
How to Deal With Passive Aggressive Comments
Aggressive confrontation may be scary, but passive-aggressive squabbles make you weary. It’s like that mosquito you hear whining around your head but you can’t see it, and no matter how much you swat, it keeps coming back.
In order to break free from the mental tapes, here are four keys to deal with passive aggressive comments.
Stay anchored in the truth. Usually the passive aggressive comments that bother us the most are ones that touch on our insecurities and doubts. It’s not what the person said offhand, they just unknowingly added fuel to the fire of a preexisting internal debate.
Don’t read into things. Stick to the facts. If you find yourself continually running through “what if” and “should I” questions, get them out of your head. Talk through your dilemmas with trusted counselors who will direct you back to the reality of what is true. And always - anchor yourself in the truth of God’s Word.
Stay rooted in love. What is your end goal, and do you feel like you need to win? If so, passive aggressive comments are intensely frustrating because they make you feel like you’re losing. Most of the time, there is little to gain by winning a petty argument or disagreement.
Love covers a multitude of sins. For the vast majority of issues, it’s more valuable to preserve a relationship than win an argument.
Believe the best of others. Consider that you may have misunderstood what someone meant. Or their comment may have meant nothing major in their eyes. Or maybe they did have a motive, but it was coming from a desire to help you. If a relationship is constantly toxic, then it’s time for healthy confrontation and better boundaries.
But if it’s just the offhand occasional comments, you can choose to filter them out and set them aside. Focus on the good in the people around you and don’t take them to court over the little things.
Be obedient to what God has called you to do. You’ll never please everyone and there are a million opinions circulating on any given topic. Your purpose isn’t about avoiding criticism and pleasing people, but to please the Lord and be obedient to what He has called you to do. What if Zacchaeus had second thoughts about potential backlash and abandoned the commitment he made to Jesus?
Even if everyone doesn’t understand, or you have to endure some criticism and sideways jabs, stay the course! God will always protect you and guide you, you are simply called to be obedient.